Not gonna lie - I'm in a bit of a fake it till I make it kind of mood. I must have put on 5 different outfits this morning, put 3 of the tops into the Goodwill pile and put one of the tee shirts into the "I like this tee and I'll keep it, but I don't think I'll ever wear it pile." (Don't ask me why I have this pile. Sentimental tees?! That's probably a different discussion.)
My brain has gone to a million different solutions - sign up for a half ironman again, never eat flour or sugar again, be one of those people who run 5 miles a day through wind, rain, sleet or snow, go back to crossfit (though owing to my own ego, my shoulder STILL hurts 2 years after stopping crossfit), swim 3x a week, give up running and biking so I can just do yoga because that guy I saw on instagram was super bendy with no fat and I kind of want to look like him and do press up handstands ... the gist is, all of them being all or nothing solutions - all of them being the same old do battle with my body story - all of them wanting my body to be something different from what it is.
Tiring. And more or less the antithesis of everything I try to teach.
So I'm back to the practice... the real yoga, not the jumping around fancy trick stuff... but the come back to breath. Come back to center. I even managed to look at my belly and tell it I love it without cringing too much.
Yes, I probably will sign up for a half ironman for next summer. Not because triathletes are skinny, but because I genuinely love racing that distance. Yes, I probably will eat sugar over the holidays, but I can also make some healthier changes, too. Yes, when I look at another body and see a sexy man with a belly, I'll remind myself, if you can think he's sexy, you can think you're sexy, too.
"We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy." ~Pema Chodron.